Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
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