I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
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