It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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