The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
she pinky promised me she was 18
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I just gargled with NyQuil
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
