FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Randomize
