She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
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