No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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