its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Randomize
