You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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