my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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