Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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