I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
me + whiskey = a bad person
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
