i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
