Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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