census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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