And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
