There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
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