i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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