remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
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