Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
