My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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