I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
