Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
operation harelip BJ is a go
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
