I feel like I'm in dance class right now
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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