when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize