ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Randomize
