I'm so fucking centered right now
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Randomize
