we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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