all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
