Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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