I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
smell my finger.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
