So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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