I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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