Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
