is your mom at the bar?
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
