You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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