I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
