I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
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