I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
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