I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
