Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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