Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Randomize