Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
