You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
