If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
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