hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
