Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize