Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
