Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Just puked most of my soul out..
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize