you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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