I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
