So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Randomize
