she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
