I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
