I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
