there's paper in my vomit.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
