onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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