do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Randomize
