I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize