Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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