Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
FUCK WHALES
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
