im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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